I was just about to shut the computer and head off to bed. But, I decided to check my favorite blogs one more time, and this is what I found over on MckMama's blog...
The tears started to flow, and I was reminded of my Tate. Tate was our second baby, and went to be with Jesus before we could know him or her. Tate was lost early, as many babies are, but this baby would always be OURS. I seem to instantly attach to my babies the moment the line appears on the stick, and the surprise of Tate's conception was no exception.
I am amazed at how raw that pain of loss still is. I remember every single detail of my pregnancy... the photo shoot we had the day I took the pregnancy test (totally a coincidence), the anxiety of having a baby again so soon, being excited that my first two babies would be really close in age like Rachel and I were. Seeing the blood on Easter morning, waiting to call my doctor, the horrible pain (both physical and emotional), the tears that wouldn't stop flowing, Reeves waving goodbye to me while my mother held him on the porch of our very first home.
The rain.
The rain poured down.
And my mom was singing with him..."Rain, rain, go away, come again another day..."
He waved good-bye to me with his chubby little 11-month old hand.
I can't hear that song and not think of my baby. My baby in Heaven. The days that followed were very hard. I remember Chris holding me night after night as I cried myself to sleep. We have the pictures from the photo shoot hanging all over our house. I know that my baby was alive in me in those photos, and looking at them somehow gives me peace.
I see my patients who have lost and I know the number of miscarriages they have had by looking at their prenatal record. I wonder how often they cry for those babies, too, and I am burdened to pray for them.
I love you Tate. I will always love you....and one day I will hold you in Heaven!
He's our all boy, athletic, Daddy loving, amazingly messy, school adoring, people pleasing, ultra sensitive, fruit craving, mercifully giving, bed hopping, dangerously destructive, absolutely precious first born.
She's our extremely funny, big hearted, completely dramatic, very talkative, nurturing, terribly sassy, independent, fashion forward, chocolate craving, brown eyed, Mommy helping, sorta sneaky, beautifully stunning second born!
10 kind words:
I have suffered your same hurt. We lost a baby boy, Robert Clay. An old high school friend of mine just lost her baby and what was even sadder is that she has no faith to hang onto, no hope.
I pray that she cries out to Jesus soon.
It was the only thing that helped get me through.
I don't know how in the world I ended up here tonight....or is it morning... but I want to say thanks for posting this. God has blessed me with babies in heaven too...sometimes I don't know if the pain will ever ease up.
Glad to be in good company.
xoxo,
Samantha
I don't think I knew about little Tate and your loss. I'm so sorry.
Megan... I had no idea. I'm so sorry for your loss. Christine
I don't have a blog so that's why I am commenting as "anonymous."
I lost my 4th baby early too (10 weeks) and though we are expecting again in about 2 months, I too don't think I'll ever forget that a little life started and ended the summer of 2008. My husband doesn't seem to understand these feelings because I don't think our children are as "real" to him until he "meets them" when they are born...
Anyway, I saw your comment on My Charmin Kids and thought I'd check out your blog. It's comforting to share with other mommies who have babies waiting in heaven too...our arms will be that much more full when we get there to meet them!
Love in Christ,
Angela
Thanks for all your sweet words friends....it really means so much. Isn't it amazing how much we don't REALLY know about each other, but I'm sure you have some things that I could pray for too. Know that I am always here if you need a prayer or shoulder to cry on. That's what it's all about....
I have two babies in heaven. The first was a little girl with Down's syndrome. She was going to be named Maya Katherine. I saw her from the 5th week until the 10th week of my pregnancy. I saw her heartbeat and then I saw it when it had stopped. I will never forget her. I was devastated. I knew when we went to the doctor that day something was wrong. I didn't feel pregnant anymore. It was horrible. I lost my baby close to Easter as well. I had to have a D & C. It was the most painful time emotionally of my life. I told the nurses that the next time I was in that part of the hospital, I was going home with a baby, a live baby. I had an ectopic pregnancy 8 weeks later. I never saw that baby. I had to take Methotrexate to resolve the pregnancy. I was numb for months. We then decided to go with in vitro. The other two pregnacy were the result of IUI after a year of trying. I will be 40 this year so time was going by fast. I only had 2 embryos when we completed the IVF cycle. They wanted to cancel the implantation but I said no. I was given less than a 10 % chance of even becoming pregnant. I rock that less than 10 % chance to bed every night. I was just thinking today that for the past 2 years, I had been pregnant on Valentine's day. I was actually pregnant 3 times in one year. I miss my other children and often wonder what would have been. But I know God had another plan and He blessed me with a healthy baby girl. I think when you lose one or two or ten, you just see things differently. My heart goes out to all of you who have experienced this loss. And my thoughts go to all of our sweet babies who are with Jesus.
Oh, sweet "anonymous" poster (mom to Maya)....I am praying for you. I know just how you feel. It's so bittersweet, and we know that there is always a part of us that is in Heaven waiting.
Thank you for sharing your heart!
thank you for sending me this link...
i'm wondering how you felt with your pregnancies following the loss of tate? i am having a hard time with the thought of feeling jaded, like the joy of being pregnant has been ruined for me now. i don't want to spend an entire pregnancy filled overcome with anxiety. i've accepted what happened w/ this baby, but i don't know if i can do it AGAIN. and one of the toughest things was how my husband and i grieved differently. i felt very alone with my emotions....
It's so nice to come across others who have been in the same place as you sometimes. I lost a little one at 8 weeks. It helps me sometimes in knowing that I am not alone.
BTW-I found your blog through a comment you left a friends blog.
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