Big Girl's heading to Duke!

****UPDATE! ****

Our Duke treatment won't be till March 22nd! Just be in prayer for

us till then! Thanks so much, sweet friends....

Playing in the Hotel Shower

January 9, 2010

We went for Greer's two-year-old check up today. It's crazy to me to think that she has been a part of our little world for over 2 years....CRAZY! She is such a blessed ball of joy, I can't even stand it! All wide open and curious and into everything. I think the best way to describe her is BIG! She sleeps big, she eats big, she loves big, she laughs big, she runs big, she grows BIG! In fact....she is the height of the average 3 year old!!! Off the charts for a child her age. I could just eat up all 33 pounds and 37.5 inches of her! Oh, and did I mention how BIG her feet are? In the words of my pediatrician....."those are Sasquatch feet!"

I caught my pediatrician up to speed on the current state of the birthmark treatments, so I thought I better catch all of you up, too! My last post on the subject was back in the fall when we were trying to come up with a game plan. It's kind of a long story, so here's the link if you want to catch up. We had some big decisions to make and we have prayed and worked through all of our options. I am still planning to write some letters to the "powers that be" here in Alabama, but for now we must travel out of the state to get what she needs.

We had a few options (California, NYC, or North Carolina)....but we decided that traveling to Duke made the most sense for us. Dr. B comes highly recommended, and we are blessed to have a home away from home in Raleigh. My precious Amy moved there last Summer and will host us for the long weekend. I'm trying to think of it as a little vacation and a good excuse to spend time with my beloved friend! I feel an amazing peace about all of it and know that God's plan is unfolding before our very eyes.

Greer's birthmark has shown remarkable fading through all of this, but we have seen significant darkening over the past 6-8 months. Last summer she had close to 75% fading, and now I would say it is more like 50%....some days it's darker than others. NOT traveling to seek better lasers is not an option for us. I want to know that I did everything within my being to maximize the chance to remove this birthmark. So we go. and we continue to pray. and we continue to praise our Heavenly Father for the opportunities he has given us.

As we were leaving the doctor's office this morning, I noticed a young hispanic mother with a large facial PWS. It was dark, dark purple with thick tissue in places. She was a beautiful woman. She seemed happy and confident, and I wanted to get to know her. I wanted to ask her a million questions, but I knew she would think I was crazy. I prayed that if Greer's birthmark never faded even one little bit more and if it eventually became as dark as the one on that lady's face that she would be just as confident and lovely.

I prayed that Greer's BIG, beautiful spirit would shine as bright as it did back on this day. This is a day I will never forget. This is a time I will treasure forever. I really don't think I could love a little soul any more than I love my Big Girl!

Sisters

I got an amazing email from one of my sisters tonight. I wasn't expecting it....just like I wasn't expecting to write this little blog post. It hit me from nowhere, like a perfect surprise. I cried and I swelled with joy....with awe and with thanksgiving. I wanted to call everyone I knew and tell them how blessed it is to be a sister. How blessed their girls are to have each other! How amazing it will be for my own little girls to one day exchange emails that make the other half of their heart cry tears of joy and blessedness. Is that a word? Blessedness....

It is a word in my world. I love you sweet Rach and sweet Bec. I love you for being there. It doesn't matter how many fights we had over shampoo or spoiled Christmas mornings or who was going to drive to school. It doesn't matter that we drove each other crazy with the way we chewed our cereal. We loved and we love and we will always be there to love a little more. No matter how far apart we are (...in miles that is).

Oh, how blessed I am to have my sisters. I love you so, so much!

Save My Sumatanga

I got 5 million chigger bites standing in the Chigger Bowl in a ring of candle-light after a powerful evening program. I know right where the jar of soggy cotton balls are that will take the itch out.

Jesus lives at Camp Sumatanga and every time I am there I feel like I am closer to Him. The view from the Chapel is more breathtaking than can be described in even the most beautiful poem. I hiked that trail up the mountain every year, and I have scars from all the rock bites I got along the way. I can't even count how many times I sat in that primitive stone Chapel looking out over the lake while enjoying a soggy peanut butter and honey sandwich and weak pink lemonade. Up there, the air is different.

I can still taste it.

I traded warm fuzzies. I waded in the creek. I painted on rocks and sent them home to my little sister. I waited to find mail from home on the pool table after lunch in the air-conditioned Dining Hall.....mealtimes were some of my favorite times. I sang my blessings and now my children sing all those old songs when we sit down for meals at home.

"Thank you God for giving us Food!!!"

I played four square in the breezeway and softball in the chigger bowl. I got sent back to my cabin to get my nametag before they would let me into the dining hall for a meal. I bent down to feel the cool spring water air on my face after a sweaty hike to Air Conditioned Rock.

I rehearsed interpretive dances to perform at evening program. I sat on the cool concrete floor in the Assembly Hall and listened to Nina Reeves (our son's namesake) say "Whammity Bang, Whammity Bang...". Oh the stories she could tell.....and the lives she touched. Seeing her at Jenny and John Paul's wedding brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful soul (and tough one) she is.....

I danced to Buttercup and Alley Cat and Amos Moses till I could do it in my sleep.

I prayed and prayed and listened and learned sooooo much about my Sweet Jesus. I got to share my faith with boy-crazy 13 year olds and prayed that they would "get it". I think about a few of them still and wonder how they are doing. Some of them are still my friends.

I get my best night's sleep on a top bunk in Cabin 7. I can still feel the dirt on my sheets from sandy concrete floors. I can still hear the hum of the massive fans that circulated the heavy Alabama night-time air. I prayed that there wouldn't be a spider in the shower and that the two toilets shared by 30 squealing 12 year olds would not stop-up.

I listened to great and powerful music and was introduced to David Wilcox.....my most favorite musician of all time. The sweet sound of music filling the woods would bring tears to my eyes.

At Camp Sumatanga.....I met my beloved.

This is My Sumatanga.

And it is in great danger of closing. I can't imagine my life without it, and I want my children to grow up there like Chris and I did. I want others to find Jesus there. Please pray for Sumatanga....

If you live in Alabama and are looking for an amazing place to have a retreat for your church (every denomination is welcome), I URGE you to introduce your leaders to this amazing place. You will NOT regret it.....and if you visit there or you have your own memories of Sumatanga, I would love to hear your stories. What is YOUR Sumatanga like??

And if you feel led to give to Sumatanga.....well that would just be amazing!

...."Let no one say, and say to your shame, that this was a place of beauty till you came."

What's in a Name?

John 8:12 says....

Then Jesus spoke to them again: "I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows Me will never walk in the darkness but will have the light of life." 

I know that some of you are new here, but some of you have been here since the very beginning. I've wanted to author this post for a while now, and I am feeling the need to explain myself for some reason....so I feel like the best place to start is here.  I've never really explained the meaning behind the name of my blog, but to me it is such an integral part of my being.  I define myself by this title, and to put it out there without explanation seems irresponsible (or at the very least arrogant....how are you to know my heart if I never fully explain myself?). 

Around the time that I met Chris, I was introduced to the music of David Wilcox.  Like most people, music moves me.  More than that, music with meaning moves me.  I love hearing a song and dissecting every note and lyric.  I love honest music.  Music that speaks to my heart.  Lyrics that transform me.  The music of David Wilcox does that for me.

He's not your typical Christian music artist.  He isn't marketed as a Christian Music Artist, and you have probably never heard of him.  That is just a shame. 

I love the raw honesty of his words.  The realness of his lyrics.  I love that I have to listen to something over and over and over again before I truly grasp what it means....what he means.  He is honest about life and faith and that is what gets me.  Most of his songs aren't even about Jesus (who he calls the "outrageous carpenter").  But the ones that are?  Man!

So.  My blog title is actually the title of one of his greatest songs (or at least one that is great to me).  I pray that he won't sue me for plagiarism, and that he knows how much I adore him and his work (hey, I'm giving him the credit, aren't I?).  I'm just gonna trust that he takes it as a compliment.  If you want to hear a bit of it, it's in my playlist at the bottom of this page.  Just scroll all the way to the end to play it.  

So here are the words that basically define me.  They speak of places I have been and places I will be.  They challenge me to speak the truth, to own up to what I believe, and to trust in the One who has given me life abundant.  I will forever Hold it Up to the Light!

It's the choice of a lifetime - I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight
So hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

It's too late - to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here - each a possible way
But wait - and they all will be lost roads
Each road's getting shorter the longer I stay

Now as soon as I'm moving - my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared, Is my life at stake?
But I see if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right
Yes and hold it up hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

In Bloom

It seems like everywhere I look, something is blooming.  The dogwoods are gorgeous, the cherry blossom trees are breathtaking, and the buds just started to pop open on my snowball bush (to be honest, I don't really know what it's called, but they look like snowballs to me).  I've always loved the rebirth that comes with Spring, and it parallels my life in so many ways this year.  Easter is the icing on the cake of that rebirth....sure wish I wasn't working!  I'm truly trying to see the bright side of that one, but so far no cigar.  Praying for a miracle there....will you join me?

I have been trying to figure out what to say in this post for the past few days.  I've said more prayers in the past week than I remember saying in a long time, and I can honestly say that I have felt God moving in me through it all.  God is opening doors (and windows and peepholes and sunroofs) that are blowing winds of change into our little life.  Changes that are amazingly refreshing and renewing....like rebirth.  I realize I'm being vague (or in the words of my sister Erin, cryptic).  I promise I will be more specific as I feel led.  Some things are just too personal...I'm finding the balance.

All that to say....I can't wait to see where we are headed, and I am so thankful to have such a wonderful partner on this journey.  I am blessed beyond measure to have children whom I adore, and friends who get me.  I am working on myself and my life, and it feels really good.  I'm done apologizing, and I'm keeping my eye on Him.  I'm done with settling for just OK.  It's time to live the kind of life He wants me to live.  

My life is in bloom.

Tate

I was just about to shut the computer and head off to bed.  But, I decided to check my favorite blogs one more time, and this is what I found over on MckMama's blog...

The tears started to flow, and I was reminded of my Tate.  Tate was our second baby, and went to be with Jesus before we could know him or her.  Tate was lost early, as many babies are, but this baby would always be OURS.  I seem to instantly attach to my babies the moment the line appears on the stick, and the surprise of Tate's conception was no exception.   

I am amazed at how raw that pain of loss still is.  I remember every single detail of my pregnancy... the photo shoot we had the day I took the pregnancy test (totally a coincidence), the anxiety of having a baby again so soon, being excited that my first two babies would be really close in age like Rachel and I were.  Seeing the blood on Easter morning, waiting to call my doctor, the horrible pain (both physical and emotional), the tears that wouldn't stop flowing, Reeves waving goodbye to me while my mother held him on the porch of our very first home.  

The rain.

The rain poured down.

And my mom was singing with him..."Rain, rain, go away, come again another day..."

He waved good-bye to me with his chubby little 11-month old hand.

I can't hear that song and not think of my baby.  My baby in Heaven.  The days that followed were very hard.  I remember Chris holding me night after night as I cried myself to sleep.  We have the pictures from the photo shoot hanging all over our house.  I know that my baby was alive in me in those photos, and looking at them somehow gives me peace.  

I see my patients who have lost and I know the number of miscarriages they have had by looking at their prenatal record.  I wonder how often they cry for those babies, too, and I am burdened to pray for them.  

I love you Tate.  I will always love you....and one day I will hold you in Heaven!

Yours

A letter for a mother (and a great cause....click the picture above to find out more)....

Dear Mother,

By nature, I am a worrier.....and a bit of a control freak. These traits have never been my finest ones and they still can rear their ugly heads from time to time. As a child, I would make myself sick with worry (over a bad grade, a glass of spilled grape juice, an uncomfortable conversation, an unfortunate wardrobe decision...you get my drift)!  I would replay scenarios and situations over and over in my head with "what ifs" and "if only I hads" and I had a hard time getting over stuff. I would try to rationalize, and justify, and solve every scary situation with my own genius solutions. In the end, I never seemed to feel any better after trying to figure it out myself.  Thank goodness I finally figured out how God fit in.

I had some good years doing it God's way, and by trusting His plan....they were years of growth and happiness and peace. During that time, I found friends who would be there for a lifetime, a church home that would open new and amazing dimensions in my spiritual growth, and I found the strength to pursue the love of my life....my soul mate. I have nothing but wonderful memories of those years. There was peace, trust, understanding, and hopefulness.

And the years went by, and I had my first baby.  A BOY baby (I had no idea what I was supposed to do with a boy, but I figured God knew what He was doing). It was a love so intense, and unimaginable, and those old feelings of control and worry made their way back into my fragile life.  I can look back now and see that it was probably postpartum depression/anxiety,and during that time, I couldn't even begin to understand how I could trust God to take care of this baby boy of mine.  He was totally and completely my responsibility (well, Chris' too) and I was overwhelmed with fear and worry.  It was as if the God whom I had trusted for all those years before was nowhere to be found....and I was too lost in myself to even know where or how to find Him.

I had trouble keeping the scary thoughts at bay.  What if he got hurt, what if he died in his sleep, what if he got scared while he was with the babysitter, what if his tummy hurt....what if, what if, what if!  I was eaten UP with guilt.  I mean, I'm talkin', "can't even take a shower for fear of leaving him alone for one tiny second" kinda guilt.  It was AWFUL!!!

And well, as you can imagine, that didn't work out for very long.  Slowly, but surely (through God's grace), He helped me out of the pit.  It was as if I woke up from a nightmare and God revealed something life changing to me.  It isn't very often that I really feel like I truly hear Him, but after that time of darkness....it really did happen.

Do you know what He told me?  

"They're Mine!"  

In that moment, I gave my child (and my subsequent children) back to Him.  I began to understand that before they were mine, they were HIS.  They will always be His.  It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders....I can't even describe the freedom and joy and peace that that revelation brought to my life as a mother.  Instead of guilt, there was joy.  Instead of worry, there was peace.  Instead of doubt, there was hope.  I let go and let God.....and I prayed.

I prayed for them to become who HE would want them to be, and I quit worrying about who I thought they should be.  I praise him for giving me a baby who would only live in my womb for a few short weeks and for the chance to meet that baby (whom we named Tate) one day in heaven.  I thank him for the opportunity to show these precious souls what it means to live on this Earth and to love our Father in heaven.  For they belonged to Him before they belonged to me.  

Thank you God for giving me the chance to love these little souls....for before they were mine, they were YOURS!!!

May you find this same kind of Peace in your Motherhood journey!

Love from another Mother,

Megan 

What would YOU write about YOUR journey into motherhood???