Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Yours




A letter for a mother (and a great cause....click the picture above to find out more)....

Dear Mother,

By nature, I am a worrier.....and a bit of a control freak. These traits have never been my finest ones and they still can rear their ugly heads from time to time. As a child, I would make myself sick with worry (over a bad grade, a glass of spilled grape juice, an uncomfortable conversation, an unfortunate wardrobe decision...you get my drift)!  I would replay scenarios and situations over and over in my head with "what ifs" and "if only I hads" and I had a hard time getting over stuff. I would try to rationalize, and justify, and solve every scary situation with my own genius solutions. In the end, I never seemed to feel any better after trying to figure it out myself.  Thank goodness I finally figured out how God fit in.

I had some good years doing it God's way, and by trusting His plan....they were years of growth and happiness and peace. During that time, I found friends who would be there for a lifetime, a church home that would open new and amazing dimensions in my spiritual growth, and I found the strength to pursue the love of my life....my soul mate. I have nothing but wonderful memories of those years. There was peace, trust, understanding, and hopefulness.

And the years went by, and I had my first baby.  A BOY baby (I had no idea what I was supposed to do with a boy, but I figured God knew what He was doing). It was a love so intense, and unimaginable, and those old feelings of control and worry made their way back into my fragile life.  I can look back now and see that it was probably postpartum depression/anxiety,and during that time, I couldn't even begin to understand how I could trust God to take care of this baby boy of mine.  He was totally and completely my responsibility (well, Chris' too) and I was overwhelmed with fear and worry.  It was as if the God whom I had trusted for all those years before was nowhere to be found....and I was too lost in myself to even know where or how to find Him.

I had trouble keeping the scary thoughts at bay.  What if he got hurt, what if he died in his sleep, what if he got scared while he was with the babysitter, what if his tummy hurt....what if, what if, what if!  I was eaten UP with guilt.  I mean, I'm talkin', "can't even take a shower for fear of leaving him alone for one tiny second" kinda guilt.  It was AWFUL!!!

And well, as you can imagine, that didn't work out for very long.  Slowly, but surely (through God's grace), He helped me out of the pit.  It was as if I woke up from a nightmare and God revealed something life changing to me.  It isn't very often that I really feel like I truly hear Him, but after that time of darkness....it really did happen.

Do you know what He told me?  

"They're Mine!"  

In that moment, I gave my child (and my subsequent children) back to Him.  I began to understand that before they were mine, they were HIS.  They will always be His.  It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders....I can't even describe the freedom and joy and peace that that revelation brought to my life as a mother.  Instead of guilt, there was joy.  Instead of worry, there was peace.  Instead of doubt, there was hope.  I let go and let God.....and I prayed.

I prayed for them to become who HE would want them to be, and I quit worrying about who I thought they should be.  I praise him for giving me a baby who would only live in my womb for a few short weeks and for the chance to meet that baby (whom we named Tate) one day in heaven.  I thank him for the opportunity to show these precious souls what it means to live on this Earth and to love our Father in heaven.  For they belonged to Him before they belonged to me.  

Thank you God for giving me the chance to love these little souls....for before they were mine, they were YOURS!!!

May you find this same kind of Peace in your Motherhood journey!

Love from another Mother,
Megan 

What would YOU write about YOUR journey into motherhood???   

5 kind words:

Kristin said...

That was so beautiful.

I think that as a mother it is my greatest challenge to give my kids completely up to God...even though...they ARE already his.

I want to protect them from everything...especially the 12 year old who is in such a hurry to grow up...and I want to keep their hearts safe.

But...I can't. Only God can and I'm just entrusted to do the best I can by them and leave the rest up to God.

Thank you for the reminder I haven't done my Mother Letter yet. :o)

Kristin said...

We live maybe 5 minutes from Helena. Small world!

I work right in between the Summit and the Colonade. Prime shopping location during lunch.

Your babies are just gorgeous as well.

I'll keep reading...maybe one day we could meet for coffee and brag all about our kids! :o)

Ginger said...

Okay, now I can't even see the screen b/c I am crying so much. Beautifully written Megan, and oh how it is so true. Merry Christmas to you all. Love ya.

ASHLEY said...

SO WONDERFULLY WRITTEN!!!!

JaniceFry said...

Meggie, what a beautiful way to express your thoughts on being a mother! I loved it. And share those exact same thoughts! Having 5 kids I was ALWAYS freaking out that something would happen to one of them! Guess what? Sometimes things DID happen and yes, sometimes I would freak .AFTERWARDS. But, I'm like you, I had to give it to Him--they were/ARE His. You would think, after all these years that I would have learned what I preached! But, when Patrick JOINED THE NAVY, once again, I FREAKED. Once again, I was reminded, by God, that I gave HIS children back into His care. I still have to think about that every day. But, it's true. Thank you for reminding me of that b/c just when you think you have finished "mothering" you realize, you never quit! But, neither does God! Whew. What a relief! ...hugs and thanks for sharing! mama fry xxoo