On Mothering: Judgement

There are millions of wonderful things about being a first time mom. There are also a handful of things that no one really prepares you for. You have no idea what the term "sleep deprivation" really means until you fall asleep talking to your best friend on the phone. You have no idea how guilty you'll feel when your baby is crying hysterically and you can't "fix it" right away. You have no idea that such a tiny baby can make their last meal hit the wall across the room after a little too much bouncing around. No idea!!!

It's on the job training at it's finest!

In addition to all that sort of stuff, I was quite unprepared for all the unsolicited advice and opinions that were about to come my way. As if first time parenthood weren't stressful enough, try adding in all the well meaning (and sometimes rather snarky) opinions of your closest friends and total strangers. Don't get me wrong, I got some great pieces of advice along the way (still do), and I love passing along things that have helped me as I navigate this road. I feel like I have finally (on my third go 'round) become confident enough in my mothering to filter it all approriately. In my opinion, it is an art, and it takes a while to get it. One of those live and learn deals.


But after all this time, there is still one thing that still sort of ruffles my feathers. Something I like to call random acts of judgement.

I have gained great perspective following the few occasions I have had to deal with this phenomenon, and think that these experiences have taught me more (more than anything else) about how I want to be as a mother (or should I say, what I don't want to be). Each time it happens, I remind myself to be more tolerant, to think before I speak, and to remember that I don't know it all. It reminds me to pray for patience and for the person who commits the act.

Let me just give you an example of one such random act of judgement.....

One gorgeous Spring day about 2 years ago, Lucy and I had a big day planned. On Thursday mornings, Lucy took a ballet class at a fun little studio in a neighboring town. We would have a big time on those days, and I would usually treat her to a yummy lunch after class. It was rare to have this alone time with my second born, and I always tried to make a big deal out of our time together.

This particular day, we decided to try out the brand new Whole Foods cafe. They have an awesome lunch selection, and I had already told Lucy she could pick out whatever she wanted. We sang songs the whole way to the store and we laughed about something silly Daddy had done. She said, "How bout if we call Daddy to see if he can come, too!?" What a treat it would be to have Mommy and Daddy all to herself!

I couldn't get Chris on the phone, so I left a message and told Lucy that maybe he would call us back to tell us he could join us. We made it to Whole Foods and walked all over the store picking out every yummy thing we could imagine. It was so much fun.

The store was very busy that day, and we were hoping to get a seat outside. By the time we were ready to sit down, the only seats left were right by the check out counter. We settled into a little booth, and I opened her milk and cut up her pizza and canteloupe. She was famished by this point and couldn't wait to dig in. I even promised her a treat from the bakery if she ate well (if you know Lucy at all, you know she has a love affair with sweets).

Just as she was getting started, Chris called. Literally seconds after picking up the phone, a little old lady passed by our table. I had all but said "Hey, what's up," when she lit me UP!

"YOU should be ashamed of yourself!!! You need to get off that phone and pay attention to that PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL!!!!"

And like that, she was gone. Poof. Done.

Literally every head turned in my direction. People were whispering and shaking their heads....looking at me as if I had just beaten my child or something. I was in shock, embarrassed, and basically blown away.

Had she been there when I played her favorite song on the radio over and over? Was she there when I called her Daddy to ask him to join us? What if that phone call was from my son's teacher, telling me he was sick? What if Chris had been in a car accident?

A million scenarios raced through my head. The more I thought about it, the more angry I became. I was appalled, shocked, amazed at the flipent judgement others place upon us in situations they no nothing about. I thought about it off and on for weeks. Told all my closest friends how horrible it made me feel.....how I felt so misunderstood and unjustly judged. I was angry....and irritated. When your ability to mother your child is called into question, it cuts like a knife!

After some time, and through much prayer and thought, my anger began to teach me some lessons. It wasn't important that I didn't have a chance to speak up for myself, and it wasn't important to prove myself to those strangers. What was important was the reminder it gave me. The reminder to be slow to speak and quick to show mercy. To allow my Father in Heaven to do the judging and to try to understand that my neighbor may have been having a really bad day. To be understanding when I witness something that seems wrong, and to remind myself that I don't know everything. I actually tend to have empathy instead of criticism.

Yes, those who commit these random acts of judgement have become some of my greatest teachers. For that, I am forever grateful.