On Motherhood: Still "Yours"

I originally posted this piece back in December as a 

contribution to the Mother Letter Project.

I thought it was fitting for Mother's Day,

so I've re-posted it today.  

Happy Mother's Day

to all of my readers...

P.S.  Happy 5th Birthday, Lucy!

A letter for a mother (and a great cause....click the picture above to find out more)....

Dear Mother,

By nature, I am a worrier.....and a bit of a control freak. These traits have never been my finest ones and they still can rear their ugly heads from time to time. As a child, I would make myself sick with worry (over a bad grade, a glass of spilled grape juice, an uncomfortable conversation, an unfortunate wardrobe decision...you get my drift)! I would replay scenarios and situations over and over in my head with "what ifs" and "if only I hads" and I had a hard time getting over stuff. I would try to rationalize, and justify, and solve every scary situation with my own genius solutions. In the end, I never seemed to feel any better after trying to figure it out myself. Thank goodness I finally figured out how God fit in.

I had some good years doing it God's way, and by trusting His plan....they were years of growth and happiness and peace. During that time, I found friends who would be there for a lifetime, a church home that would open new and amazing dimensions in my spiritual growth, and I found the strength to pursue the love of my life....my soul mate. I have nothing but wonderful memories of those years. There was peace, trust, understanding, and hopefulness.

And the years went by, and I had my first baby. A BOY baby (I had no idea what I was supposed to do with a boy, but I figured God knew what He was doing). It was a love so intense, and unimaginable, and those old feelings of control and worry made their way back into my fragile life. I can look back now and see that it was probably postpartum depression/anxiety,and during that time, I couldn't even begin to understand how I could trust God to take care of this baby boy of mine. He was totally and completely my responsibility (well, Chris' too) and I was overwhelmed with fear and worry. It was as if the God whom I had trusted for all those years before was nowhere to be found....and I was too lost in myself to even know where or how to find Him.

I had trouble keeping the scary thoughts at bay. What if he got hurt, what if he died in his sleep, what if he got scared while he was with the babysitter, what if his tummy hurt....what if, what if, what if! I was eaten UP with guilt. I mean, I'm talkin', "can't even take a shower for fear of leaving him alone for one tiny second" kinda guilt. It was AWFUL!!!

And well, as you can imagine, that didn't work out for very long. Slowly, but surely (through God's grace), He helped me out of the pit. It was as if I woke up from a nightmare and God revealed something life changing to me. It isn't very often that I really feel like I truly hear Him, but after that time of darkness....it really did happen.

Do you know what He told me?

"They're Mine!"

In that moment, I gave my child (and my subsequent children) back to Him. I began to understand that before they were mine, they were HIS. They will always be His. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders....I can't even describe the freedom and joy and peace that that revelation brought to my life as a mother. Instead of guilt, there was joy. Instead of worry, there was peace. Instead of doubt, there was hope. I let go and let God.....and I prayed.

I prayed for them to become who HE would want them to be, and I quit worrying about who I thought they should be. I praise him for giving me a baby who would only live in my womb for a few short weeks and for the chance to meet that baby (whom we named Tate) one day in heaven. I thank him for the opportunity to show these precious souls what it means to live on this Earth and to love our Father in heaven. For they belonged to Him before they belonged to me.

Thank you God for giving me the chance to love these little souls....for before they were mine, they were YOURS!!!

May you find this same kind of Peace in your Motherhood journey!

Love from another Mother,

Megan

What would YOU write about YOUR journey into motherhood???